Sibling rivalry: why it happens, and what to do about it

You may be excited at the prospect of welcoming another child to your family, but worried about how it may affect your toddler or older child and change your family dynamics. To ward off feelings of jealousy, you may want to prepare them for the new arrival in advance.

Or you may be worried about how your child is behaving around their new baby brother or sister. Despite your very best efforts, your children may just not be getting along as well as you’d hoped.

Here’s how to manage sibling rivalry, from preparing your little one for their new sibling to dealing with aggressive behaviour and conflict resolution.

How can I prepare my child for the arrival of a sibling?

It’s a good idea to tell your older child about the new arrival, before you tell other family members and friends. Keeping them in the dark can cause confusion, and sometimes resentment.

It’s completely normal for the arrival of a new baby to upset an older sibling. Where they were once the centre of your world, now they’re forced to share the spotlight. And the younger they are, the less able they are to explain their feelings of jealousy.

Talk to your child about your pregnancy

Once your child can see your growing bump or hears others talking to you about the new baby, the reality of what’s coming may sink in and make more sense to them.

Let your little one feel your baby kicking, or ask if they’d like to talk to your bump too. Encourage them to make a special connection and relationship with the baby that’s theirs and theirs alone.

Reassure your older child regularly throughout your pregnancy. Remind them that they have a special place in the family and an important role to play when the baby comes. Let them know that having a new baby won't change how you feel about them. Even if they’re too young to fully understand, they’ll appreciate the cuddles and kisses that come with this special time to bond with you.

Let your older child get involved in the preparations for your new baby

Invite your child to help you make simple decisions, such as if the baby would prefer a yellow or green all-in-one. And make sure that you'll be happy with either choice!

If you have a toddler, it’s likely you’ll be making some changes to their routine, such as moving them from their cot to a big bed. It’s a good idea to make any big changes a few weeks before the baby arrives. Toddlers understand who they are by what belongs to them. So leave enough time for the bed to be "theirs" and the cot to become just an old cot, rather than where the new baby is going to sleep.

Explain to your older child what will happen once you go into labour

A few weeks before your due date, explain clearly and simply where you’ll be having the baby, whether that’s at hospital or at home.

Though you're only likely to be away for a day or two if you have a hospital birth, your toddler may be upset by your absence. If a relative, friend, or childminder is going to look after them, arrange a practice run a week or two before the big event.

You could arrange for your older child to visit you in hospital. Take lots of pictures of them with their new sibling. This helps them to realise what a special occasion it is. You could even give them a small present from the baby to say "hello" to their big brother or sister.

What should I do to prevent sibling rivalry once my newborn comes home?

There are plenty of little jobs your older child can help you with, and they may surprise you with their enthusiasm. They can help you hold towels at bathtime, or they can fetch nappies.

When your baby cries, your older child could sing to them or talk gently to them. If they beg to hold their new sibling, sit them in an armchair, well propped up, with pillows on either side. Then put your baby into their lap and stay nearby.

Your older child may think that your baby is coming between you and them. Acknowledge these feelings to let them know they’re understood. If they say the new baby cries too much, say "She does cry rather a lot, doesn't she?" And make them first in the queue sometimes: "Evie, you’ll have to wait a moment while I help Tom with his puzzle."

If you’re in the middle of toilet training your toddler or having battles over food, it may help to ease up for a while. Toddlers may move backwards in these areas when a new sibling arrives. Give them the food you know they like, and remove what they don't eat without comment.

You could ask your older child for help and advice with the baby too. Maybe they could choose the baby’s outfit for the day. Or you could ask for suggestions for how to cheer the baby up or keep them entertained. Your older child will love bringing a smile to their younger sibling's face. Whenever you can, point out how much your baby likes their big brother or sister: "Look at how she smiles for you!"

It’s also possible that your older child may not want to help. They may just want to put their hands over their ears and deny the baby's existence, or they may simply not be interested. If this is the case, don't force it. They’ll come around in time, but you could cause more resentment by insisting that they get involved before they’re ready.

My toddler has started being aggressive to their sibling. What can I do?

It can be tough for a child to welcome a new baby into their domain. You may notice that they cope with this difficulty by changing their behaviour around a younger sibling.

All children feel jealous of others at times, and toddlers find it hard to control their feelings. Don't be surprised if your toddler hits or throws something at their new sibling. They may even try to make it look like an accident.

It's not nice, but it is normal. Prevention is your first line of defence. Make it as difficult as possible for your toddler to hurt your baby. If you see them being aggressive, step in immediately and give your attention to your baby. That way, you’re letting your older child know that pinching or prodding won’t give them the attention they want.

Once your baby is settled again, talk to your older child. Encourage them to talk about how they feel and help them put their feelings into words: "Sometimes crying babies make us cross". Make it clear that lashing out because of those feelings isn't acceptable though: "Hitting babies is always naughty." It may help all of you to give your toddler some time out until they’ve calmed down.

Try not to leave your toddler alone with your baby, but don't say it's because you don't trust them. Even if your older child is generally affectionate, keep sharp objects well out of reach. Never leave your toddler in charge of the buggy, as you may suddenly find it careering downhill!

Older children may show their jealousy by bickering, name-calling, teasing, pushing, or fighting. They may feel frustrated at their little brother or sister who is breaking their toys, spoiling their games, or stealing their parents' attention.

It's completely normal for this to happen. Take comfort that children who fight in their early years often get much closer as they get older. Competitiveness between siblings can even help to prepare them both for school and the wider world.

Sometimes aggression isn’t the problem. Instead, your older child may cope with their feelings of jealousy by regressing, and becoming more like the baby they think has replaced them in your affections. You may notice your older child:

• asking for a bottle, even though they’ve given it up
• refusing to walk when once they were happy to trot along beside you
• refusing to use their potty
• trying to sit in their younger sibling’s seat
• acting up when you’re breastfeeding

Try to consider how your older child is feeling. They’re losing their place as the only small candidate for your attention and, from their perspective, your love. They need plenty of reassurance and attention to help them feel secure.

What else can I do to help my older child feel less jealous of their younger sibling?

There are lots of ways you can help your older child feel just as important and special as their little brother or sister.

Spend time with your older child

It's natural for your eldest to feel jealous. After all, they suddenly have to share you.

Try to set aside time each day to do something with them alone. Do things together while your baby sleeps, whether it's drawing or building blocks with them. Your partner or a relative could look after your baby for a while. You will lessen any jealousy if you sometimes put your older child first.

If your baby goes to sleep earlier in the evening than your toddler, use the time to read and play together. Show your toddler pictures of them as a baby, and tell them that they once needed lots of special care, too.

Point out the perks of being the older sibling. Remind them of what they can do all by themselves and all the things they are allowed to play with that their younger sibling can’t.

Don't compare your children

The classic "Why can't you be more like your sister?" won't help matters. Instead, emphasise each child's unique strengths.

You could say, "Tom, you're so good at running! And your baby sister is good at crawling, don't you think?" Then add something special for each child's behaviour: "Tom, you have been very kind to your sister today," and, "Evie, you have been a special little sister today." Then praise both children together, perhaps saying: "Well done for playing so nicely together today."

Discourage telling tales

When your toddler tells you that their little sibling is pulling books off the table, say you're not interested in hearing from them what their sibling is doing. If they want to tell you what they’re doing, on the other hand, you're all ears.

Make it clear that you won't stand for your children tattling to get each other into trouble or telling tales. But make sure your older child knows that they can ask for help if necessary.

Bear in mind though that as an adult, you know that "Mum, Evie's playing with my teddy" is a very different situation from "Mum, Evie is opening the front door and going outside." Your toddler is unlikely to be able to tell the difference.

Teach your toddler to resolve sibling conflicts on their own

As they grow, your children should be encouraged to settle their own disputes as much as possible. While you can't realistically expect this from younger children, you can set the stage by encouraging them to find solutions.

If your toddler is interfering with your baby's playtime, or vice versa, suggest that they play at the table, away from where the baby is playing. And point out that they can do things that your baby can't yet: "She can’t be trusted with crayons. Maybe you would like to sit at the table and draw?"

See the developmental stages of your baby's first year, month by month. Of course, there will always be some rivalry, especially between same-sex siblings. But in time, things usually settle down. They will still squabble, but you will eventually see signs of bonding between them.

More advice on preparing for a sibling

• How to help sibling relationships
• How to cope with a toddler and a new baby