Helping your child to be confident

Does confidence matter?

It's easier for your child to accomplish tasks and to be generally competent when they feel confident. And your child will find it far easier to feel confident when the people around them have confidence in them. Children tend to blossom when the adults close to them approve of the things they do. 

It works the other way round, too. It's easier for your child to feel confident when they feel competent. The more you praise what they do, the more competent they'll feel.

Children thrive when we encourage them to thrive. They sink when no one expects them to swim.

Can my child appear confident when they aren't?

Adults and older children can put on a show of confidence even when they don't actually feel confident, but small children can't. What you see is what they feel.

Adults can talk themselves into believing that something is less important than it actually is. But your small child can't do this.

What they can do is bounce back from set-backs and criticism, unless they occur repeatedly and their efforts and achievements go unnoticed. 

The habits we form when we're very young often follow us through life. Sadly, if a child is made to feel they've failed and are criticised repeatedly, this can set the tone for the rest of their life.

How can I help my child to believe in themself?

By believing in them. When you believe your child can do something, you project that attitude to them (knowingly or unknowingly), and it really does influence what they can do. Research suggests that children flourish in schools that have high expectations of all their pupils, particularly when encouragement and praise are used liberally. 

If teachers have such influence, how much good could you do?

In another study, one group of children were told repeatedly that they were good at maths, another group that they should be better. Guess which group did better in the maths tests at the end of the year?

How can I show my child that I believe in them?

• Always look for the positive: "These silly tights are hard to put on, aren't they? But you got the skirt, top and vest right!"
• Praise their efforts: "That was hard and I know you tried your best. Well done for trying."
• Tell your child they're special: "You're the best Maisie in the world."
• Tell them they can: "That is hard, but if you really try I think you can do it."
• Expect good behaviour: "I expect you to tidy that puzzle away".
• Be polite: "Thank you for putting the toys away."

Is my opinion of my child important to their self-esteem?

The attitude you project as their parent is crucial. This is because your child's view of themself is partly a reflection of the views others have of them. In the days when most children lived in large extended families, the negative views of one doubter probably carried less weight than they do today. 

Not all parents who love their children make this clear to them. Nor do parents always balance criticism with praise. Research suggests that even in the most positive households, children hear twice as many negative comments as they do positive ones.

And busy lives mean it's tempting to use the times when your child is being good to get through the tasks you need to do. In effect, you ignore them when they're good. Because it's impossible to get on with your own thing when they misbehave, you inadvertently give more attention to bad behaviour.

When my toddler acts up they usually want attention. Why do they behave like this?

All children, and particularly toddlers, crave our attention. If it's easier to get it by misbehaving, they will misbehave.

Your toddler does not sit down and think, "If I'm naughty, Mummy will stop talking on her phone". 

Neither do you think, "If I give them attention when they're disruptive, they'll become more disruptive". It just happens that way, because actions that lead to a desired result tend to be repeated. 

But there is a price. If they get your attention by behaving in a way they know makes you unhappy and cross with them, this lowers their self-esteem and confidence. Children's confidence grows when they genuinely feel special and helpful.

How can I build my child's self-esteem?

Always:

• Use carrots generously and sticks only when absolutely necessary. They both work, but carrots build esteem while sticks deplete it. If your child has confidence and self-esteem, they'll behave better and be more likely to stretch themself to their full potential.
• Try to ignore bad behaviour. Don't shout. Either walk away or put on a neutral expression, pick them up and put them outside the room. When they come back into the room (which they can do), tell them that you're glad they have decided to be good.
• Criticise the behaviour, not your child ("Pinching is a naughty thing to do" rather than, "You are naughty"). The first version leaves their self-esteem intact, the second runs it down.
• Pay attention to good behaviour. Often all that's needed is a smile, a pat on the head, and a comment like, "That looks great". And make sure your child overhears you telling others about their achievements, such as when you're on the phone to grandma.
• Keep a tally of praise and tellings-off, and make sure the praise is always in the lead.

Never, never:

• Call them names or make them feel small.
• Let other people call them names or make them feel small.
• Forget to tell them how much you love them.

How can I nurture my child's competence?

• Help them in ways they don't notice. For example, if you put their T-shirt face down on the bed they're more likely to put it on the right way round.
• Push gently. When they can do a puzzle with four pieces give them one with six, then 10, then 15. If they can't manage 15 pieces, then find one with 12. Always build on their success, not on failure.
• Let them know that you make mistakes: "Silly Mummy, look what she's done! Now I've got to start all over again. How annoying."
• Break tasks down into manageable chunks and work with them so that they do the bits they can handle.
• Let them know you sometimes need encouragement: "I think we need a cuddle, Maisie".
• Say, "I know you'll do your best".
• Say, "I know you tried hard".
• Expect them to be good at things.
• When they are, praise them.

Find out how to help your child stand up for themself more.